實迷途其未遠

From October 10 to 17, 2026, a Dharma assembly was held in Paris, in the Church of Saint James and Saint Christopher. I had not planned to participate, and I did not expect to remain for the entire ceremony. Yet, through a combination of causes and conditions, I gradually found myself taking part from beginning to end.

The church provided a meaningful setting. The Church Saint-Jacques-Saint-Christophe stands along an ancient pilgrimage route connected with Santiago de Compostela. Saint James is traditionally associated with pilgrims, while Saint Christopher is regarded as the protector of travelers. This setting gave me a new way to understand repentance. A pilgrimage is a journey away from confusion and toward a clearer direction. It requires effort, patience, and perseverance. Bowing in repentance is also an inner pilgrimage. We acknowledge where we have gone astray and renew our resolve to return to our original home.

In 2021, I enrolled in the Sangha and Laity Training Programs. The program provided intensive and immersive Buddhist training in doctrine, practice, moral conduct, discipline, and service. I entered this period with the sincere wish to deepen my practice and understand how the Dharma could become the foundation of my life. Yet it also became one of the most difficult stages of my spiritual journey.

For reasons I am still unable to fully explain, I began to feel unsafe in the monastic environment. I experienced a strong sense of fear and insecurity, without yet having the clarity to understand what was happening within me. Eventually, I left the monastery. After leaving, I became isolated from Good and Wise Advisors and began to develop doubts about Buddhadharma. In my confusion and pain, I spoke harshly about teachers or Dharma friends and said things that I now regret.

Only afterward, with greater distance, did I begin to reflect on my family history. My parents had fled Cambodia after the Khmer Rouge period, carrying with them memories of fear, insecurity, and threat. I began to recognize echoes of these fears in myself and to wonder whether they resonated with the history my parents had carried. Within the framework of the Dharma, I began to contemplate these circumstances as karmic conditions whose causes I still do not fully understand. At the same time, I came to recognize both the pain I had experienced and the harm I had caused through my reaction to it. This recognition brought deep regret and shame. Although I felt remorse, I had not fully recognized the importance of participating in a formal repentance ceremony.

During the assembly, several passages from the Ritual of the Emperor of Liang Repentance spoke directly to my experience. They did not give me a simple explanation for everything that had happened. Instead, they gave me a way to look at my past more honestly. The ceremony offered a method for transformation and reform. I began to feel that it was not asking me to condemn myself, but inviting me to see my actions clearly and transform them.

I contemplated the teaching that the bowing, the one who bows, and the one being bowed to are empty. This contemplation helped me loosen my attachment to a fixed identity and return to the still, unmoving ground of mind. It did not remove responsibility. Rather, it helped me distinguish between acknowledging my past actions and becoming permanently identified with them.

The practice of bowing on behalf of one’s parents, parents from the past, and spiritual teachers was especially meaningful to me. I could bow on behalf of my parents and relatives, for the conditions they had endured, and for the ways suffering can pass from one generation to another. I could also bow on behalf of teachers whom I may have harmed through my words and actions.

Throughout the assembly, I was often moved to tears. At first, these tears were connected with grief, regret, and shame. As the ceremony continued, they also became an expression of compassion, gratitude, and release. I was moved each time the merit of the recitation and bowing was dedicated at the end of a session. These moments reminded me that the practice was not only for my own repentance and transformation, but also for my parents, teachers, relatives, and all living beings.

By the end of the ceremony, I felt lighter. The weight I had been carrying seemed to loosen, and I began to experience the possibility of moving forward. I was deeply moved by the dedication of everyone who contributed to the assembly: the Dharma Host, the Wei Nuos, the Dharma Masters, and all the sincere volunteers who prepared meals and quietly took care of the many practical details that allowed everything to proceed smoothly. Their diligence and care created the conditions in which everyone could focus on the practice.

Saint James and Saint Christopher offered a final image for my experience. Saint James represents the direction of the pilgrimage, while Saint Christopher represents the strength to carry burdens and cross difficult passages.

More deeply, the assembly brought me back to the aspiration that first led me to Buddhadharma. When I began to practice, I sincerely wished to leave home, cultivate the Way, and dedicate my life to the benefit of living beings. Fear, confusion, doubts and unresolved conditions had obscured that aspiration. Repentance helped me remember it. I left the assembly with a renewed wish to cultivate the Dharma and be of service. In what form, I do not yet know. The pilgrimage is not finished, but I have found renewed strength to continue along the path.