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How Did I Arrive Here?
A Talk given by Bhikshuni Jin Xiang, September 14, 2024, with additions
All Buddhas, Bodhisattvas, Dharma masters, and friends in Dharma, this is Jin-Xiang to tie Dharma affinities with everyone. If you hear anything I have said that is not right, please kindly correct me.
Recently, I heard senior disciples speak in the Buddha Hall, relating their past experiences. I wondered how they were able to remember them in detail, making the stories come alive. That gave me an idea to reflect on my past experiences in detail, things I have not mentioned before, here in the Guan Yin Hall, the causes and conditions that led me here, and my brief encounters with Venerable Master Hua.
This past summer, we had the transmission of lay Bodhisattva precepts transmission. Someone said she could not join to receive the Bodhisattva precepts because the timing was not right for her. Before I became a monastic, I also did not receive the lay Bodhisattva precepts, either 1) I wasn’t aware of lay Bodhisattva precepts; or 2) even if I were aware of them, I probably was not ready.
It is worthwhile to contemplate the topic of causes and conditions themselves. A cause means a seed. The growth of a seed depends on how it was planted and how it was nourished, and the conditions or environment of the seed to germinate and ripen, such as the location, the soil, the sun. If we think about it, one cause leads to another cause and to another cause and so on. Conditions for a person may be a place, time or timing, people around us, and what someone says to us, and how we perceive and reflect on what we have heard. Each condition that we encounter is like a junction, a fork in the road, where the decision we make at that point can lead us to a different path. It depends on how deeply we planted those causes.
Let’s take my example. How did I become a Buddhist? How did I perceive what a Buddhist is? What actions did I take to become a genuine Buddhist? Furthermore, how did I become a monastic in this tradition? In the past, we used to have students from Humboldt State University in northern California visit us twice a year. One of the things they were curious about was how monastics become monastics. Since it is not common for a person to become a monastic, they were curious what led someone to make such a decision—to renounce the householder’s life.
As to my causes and conditions, I went to college in southern California. During my last year in college, the college had representatives from different companies come to interview senior students. Timid and without any preparation for job interviews, I was very nervous and uncomfortable. I signed up on signup sheets for different companies. I didn’t do well in interviews. I saw one signup sheet that was filled up and they had a new signup sheet, so I signed my name on that new sheet. When I went in for that interview, the interviewer was not so hard on questions. He didn’t ask technical questions; he was easygoing and spoke more conversationally. When I mentioned that I went to one certain college in Boston for a year, he said that he also attended there. I think attending the same college was a big factor in my receiving the job offer later. And that was the only job offer I received. Eventually, I accepted it and moved to Seattle in 1984; I had a momentary thought that there must be something ahead for me. This is one of the firsts in the long series of causes and conditions that led me here.
I was living in an apartment in West Seattle. One day, after a few years of living there, someone came knocking at my apartment door. I opened the door to find a Christian proselytizer. One of the questions he asked was “What is your religion?” I replied that I was a Buddhist. After he left, I thought to myself: I said I was a Buddhist, but I didn’t know anything about Buddhism. This was a case of someone’s words triggering my consciousness. Another set of causes and conditions. Then I started to look for books on Buddhism. I picked up one book called The Religions of Man by Huston Smith. In that small book were general descriptions of southern and northern traditions of Buddhism. Then I started to look for a Buddhist temple in the Yellow Book, which is the old-fashioned way of searching on the internet now, but I didn’t find any. At that time, I subscribed to a Saturday newspaper. I looked in the Religion section to see if I could find a temple. I saw a small notice about the “Ten Thousand Buddhas Repentance ceremony at Gold Summit Monastery.” I drove there on a weekend, stepped into the monastery, and joined the ceremony. I had never bowed to so many Buddhas before.
I started going to Gold Summit Monastery on weekends. Later, someone introduced me to the Three Steps One Bow journals. I borrowed Volume 2 and started reading. I became engrossed in the fascinating accounts of the pilgrimage for peace. As the term “false thought” kept popping up, I gradually understood what it means by genuine practice in Buddhism. That was my introduction to the real Buddhist cultivation.
Though I just entered the gate to Buddhist practice, it wasn’t a straight and smooth road for me to get to a place that I can call firm and stable. Challenges await. One of them was the language barrier. The number of skilled and willing English translators at Gold Summit was either just one or zero. Attending ceremonies in Chinese was hard for me. There were special ceremonies like Emperor Liang Repentance and Samadhi Compassionate Water Repentance, but English translations were not available. My natural inclination at that time was toward meditation practice. Even though I found a Mahayana monastery, my past karmic conditions took me here and there.
As a beginning Buddhist, I still had questions. With an exploring mind, I went to different places and learned about different traditions of Buddhism. I became acquainted with a woman from Singapore who used to be a Buddhist Sunday school teacher. She was quite eloquent in telling Buddha’s stories that kept me captivated. Whenever we met, we had great discussions on Buddhism. Through her, I met other lay Buddhists. One time, I joined a weekend meditation retreat at a lay woman’s house; it was led by a Bhante from Sri Lanka. It seemed that Seattle was rich in spiritual practice. I heard teachings by lay and monastic teachers visiting Seattle. I met regularly with Western lay people to practice meditation and occasionally joined weekend meditation retreats.
At the same time, I was going to Gold Summit Monastery every weekend and tried my best to blend in with the people of Chinese culture. When I first arrived there, I always looked forward to hearing Dharma talks at lunch time because the talks would be translated into English and I could understand and learn some Dharma. One time, one Dharma master told a story of a man in Hong Kong who used to eat dog meat. When he was nearing the end of his life, he was making sounds that sounded like a dog. Upon hearing the horrifying story, I decided to become a vegetarian. I didn’t know how to cook vegetarian dishes except for making peanut butter and bread.
One day, at a grocery store, I saw a posted flyer about an upcoming talk by John Robins, the founder of EarthSave organization. He was the son of a co-founder of Baskin-Robbins ice cream store chain. His new book Diet for a New America was well-known at that time. It was great to hear his passionate talks on vegetarianism, the connection between meat-eating and global climate change. And I became more convinced of the benefits of a vegetarian diet. I told my sisters living in Los Angeles that there was a branch temple, Gold Wheel Monastery, in Los Angeles. Then they started going there.
Between 1988 and 1990, disciples at Gold Summit Monastery would often drive to Vancouver, Canada, to hear Venerable Master Hua’s talks at Gold Buddha Monastery and at the University of British Columbia (UBC). After driving there a few times, it occurred to me that Ven. Master never stopped in Seattle even though the city is along the route to Vancouver. Afterward, I made a call to GBM and talked to Dharma masters there about my wish to invite Venerable Master to Seattle. Later, a Dharma master at Gold Summit relayed a message to me that Venerable Master would like to come to Seattle but he had a commitment somewhere. From this, I can deduce that the reason Venerable Master didn’t stop in Seattle on his way to Vancouver was probably no one had invited Venerable Master. So we do need to request Dharma before it is spoken; this has been the tradition.
Later, the daughter of a disciple who attended the University of Washington formed a Buddhist club. The club then invited Venerable Master to the University. In May 1990, Venerable Master brought his disciples and spoke at that university.1
Around 1993, disciples organized a gathering at Long Beach Monastery to celebrate Venerable Master’s birthday.
When I visited my sisters in LA, I went along with them to Long Beach Monastery. There, I met a Dharma master who knew my sisters there. Even though I didn’t know her, when she saw me, she came up to me and asked me straight away if I wanted to leave home. At that time, I already had a secret wish to leave home. That Dharma master said there would be a leaving-home ceremony the following year. Although the question was sudden, I didn’t really reject it. Of course, I wasn’t able to follow that advice in such a short time. Nevertheless, the question stayed in my mind and I made a firm decision to leave home.
Before going back to Seattle, I told this to my siblings; my brother was speechless and didn’t know what to make of it. Upon returning to Seattle, I made preparations to leave my job and sell my condominium apartment, which took many months to sell. While waiting for its sale, I moved into Bodhidhamma Center in West Seattle while still holding my job. After the sale, I left my job in 1997. Then, I stayed at Gold Summit Monastery and Snow Mountain Monastery.
One Dharma master advised me that to join the Sangha-Laity Training Program, I could move to the CTTB or CDR. I chose CTTB because it’s closer to LA where my family lived and also to my elder sister who was already staying at the CTTB. In 1998 I moved to the City here.
The timing was such that a few DRBU staff members were ready to leave their DRBU jobs and looking for someone to take their jobs, so I was assigned to do those jobs. I stayed at the branch monasteries in Seattle for a total of one year, so in 1999, after one year at the CTTB, I was qualified to leave the home-life. There was one more obstacle to overcome. During my interview with the senior nuns, I became emotional and told them that I hadn’t gotten permission from my father. The interviewing committee left it to myself to make the decision whether I wanted to go ahead to leave home or not; they suggested I recite the name of Guan Yin Bodhisattva.
I always had a fear that my parents would not allow me to leave home. I had told my mother several years in advance that I wanted to become a nun. After some years I assumed that she was okay with my decision. I felt that if I went ahead without getting my parents’ permission and blessing, I would have felt uneasy in my heart the whole time even after becoming a monastic.
I decided to call one of my younger sisters in LA to ask my father for me to get his permission. My younger sister did as I requested. She told me that my father gave his permission according to my decision. He felt honored that I asked him. Finally, I passed the last obstacle to leave the home-life. On the day of the shaving-head ceremony, my parents, my sisters, and my brother all came to the CTTB to join me.
Last year, during a family visit, one of my nephews asked me how I became a nun. I didn’t know where to start, so I simply said, “It’s a long story. I’ll tell you another time.” Later, there was no time to connect with him to tell him about my causes and conditions for becoming a nun. I realized that the way I answered was a mistake. Why? Telling someone your own story is a way to introduce Buddhism. The right time to introduce Buddhism is when people ask you about it. And I think our own personal story is one of the best ways to connect with people.
Lessons learned: Even though my journey to get to this place of cultivation is long and winding, I can say that my resolve to stay on the Path is that much stronger. I’m grateful to my parents for their dedication and caring over the years. It is hard to encounter a virtuous, wise, and compassionate teacher like Venerable Master Hua. Using his Dharma-selecting eyes, the Master taught us to develop inherent wisdom, to be patient, to not lose temper, to be humble, and to be thrifty. May we all cultivate together in harmony and not retreat on the Bodhisattva and Bodhi Path. Amituofo.
1.https://cttbusa.org/founder2/yearbyyear_record3.htm
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